WHOM SHOULD you MENTOR?

Many of us are already informally mentoring others. If that's the case with you, consider making the relationship more intentional.

If you're not mentoring anyone think about who follows you. Who do you lead? Who do you influence? 

What situations in the past passed you by where could have got involved? What did you learn?

Consider approaching men already in your circle of influence:

• Nephew, step-son, grandson, godson, cousin
• Colleague
• Friends of your kids – uni, sports, work, friendship group
• Kids of your friends - sometimes they cannot talk to their fathers
• Friend of a friend
• Neighbour
• Someone in your community - church, exercise group, men’s shed, fathers at school 

HOW DO YOU overcome people's LACK OF UNDERSTANDING of mentoring?

For many people it seems too good to be true, "Here is this great guy who wants to take time out of his life to invest in mine. Where's the catch?"

We don't yet have a culture where having a mentor is normal in the lives of many men. For the mentee, there can be many barriers to mentoring include:

• Lack of context - many men have no previous positive experience of helpful support from another man
• Asking for help is difficult for most men; it's admitting weakness
• Thoughts like, "I'm not worth it", "It's too much to ask", "Others need it more than me", "He does not have enough time", etc. 
• Based on past negative experiences of being judged or criticised, he may fear being considered as not up to the task 
• Based on past negative experiences of being disappointed, he may fear being let down by the mentor 
• Suspicion of the mentor's motives 
• Concern about being open and vulnerable with another man
• Fear of opening up painful areas he won't be able to deal with or 'put back in the box'. 

Mentors can address these barriers by:

• Getting over your own embarrassment and initial awkwardness - you can even be open about this 
• Recognising that mentoring is counter cultural so no one really knows anything about it
• Tackling the matter full on by formally inviting another man into a mentoring relationship
• Carefully explaining your motivation for being a mentor - what is your 'why'?
• Being patient and understanding with a mentee’s concerns
• Demonstrating vulnerability on an on-going basis by sharing your own challenges, failures and personal stories
• Using humour and self-effacement

how do you offer to start A MENTORING RELATIONSHIP? 

You've got to be straight about it otherwise your mentee will think you're hiding something. Here are some low cringe suggestions for opening up the conversation:

• "We’ve known each other a while and have talked about some of the challenges you’re facing. Why don’t we have a regular conversation where you can work out some strategies to deal with them?"
• "I’ve noticed you’re going through a transition right now in your [work, education, relationship…]. Why don’t we get together every few weeks and I could be a sounding board for you to work things out?"
• "You’ve asked me a lot of questions about [x]. Why don’t we get together more regularly and we can discuss these things in greater depth?"

HOW DO you BUILD RAPPORT AND TRUST WITH your mentee?

The best way to build rapport is to get your mentee talking about his life and what is important to him. Yet he may feel uncomfortable or even unable to tell you his story. 

Some gentle, more specific questioning will help open up the conversation:

• "Tell me about your parents? What are they like?"
• "What do you love about your mum? What do you love about your dad? How is your relationship?" 
• "Tell me about your siblings? What about your relationship with them?"
• "What was it like growing up in your family?" 
• "What was school like for you? What did you like about it? What didn’t work? How about uni/after school?" 
• "Tell me about the neighbourhood where you grew up? Are there any funny stories? Sad stories?"
• "Tell me about your work? How is that going?"
• "Tell me about a really formative experience where you had to grow up."
• "Have you had a mentor in your life? If so what was he/she like?"

Ask him to talk about his ambitions, dreams, goals and hopes. If he does not know, questions you could ask include:

• "What have been the most satisfying moments in your life? When have you been happiest and most fulfilled? Tell me about it."
• "When have you felt most ‘in the flow’ or ‘in the zone’? What were you doing? What conditions allowed this to happen?"
• "What did  you dream of becoming when you were a kid? What message does this childhood dream have for you today?"
• "If you could do anything what would it be?"
• "What do you long to see happen in the world that isn’t happening right now?"
• "What problems do you see around you would you enjoy being involved in solving?"