LOOKING FOR A MENOTR?
We answer your questions below.
CAN MEN'S BUSINESS HELP ME FIND A MENTOR?
Right now Men's Business is focusing all our resources on equipping mentors. If you are looking for a mentor, however, we make some suggestions below on how you can go about finding the right one for you.
HOW DO I KNOW I'M READY FOR A MENTOR?
There are particular seasons in life when a good mentor can add tremendous value and direction, including:
- Times of transition, such as from school or uni into the work force, changing careers, moving to a new city or country, being made redundant, or retirement;
- When you need to make important choices and decisions about the future;
- Periods of emotional upheaval, such as a bereavement, illness or relationship breakdown;;
- Times of uncertainty, doubt, challenge;
- Life changes, such as marriage, becoming a parent and dealing with the challenges of 'mid-life'.
WHAT QUALITIES SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR IN A MENTOR?
It depends on the reason you want a mentor. Why are you interested at this time? What kind of support do you think you need?
For example, if you're looking for someone with a good network, or who can help get you a job, maybe it's not a mentor you're seeking but something else.
In our experience, a man seeks out a mentor when he wants to grow and develop in ways he cannot do by himself or through traditional means. You're trying to find a guide to travel alongside you in an exploration into the unknown.
It may seem counter intuitive, but the best mentors have experienced failure as well as success. They are humble and more interested in others than themselves. They have maturity and wisdom. You admire how they live and what they stand for. Other men want to follow them.
Some points to think about:
For example, if you're looking for someone with a good network, or who can help get you a job, maybe it's not a mentor you're seeking but something else.
In our experience, a man seeks out a mentor when he wants to grow and develop in ways he cannot do by himself or through traditional means. You're trying to find a guide to travel alongside you in an exploration into the unknown.
It may seem counter intuitive, but the best mentors have experienced failure as well as success. They are humble and more interested in others than themselves. They have maturity and wisdom. You admire how they live and what they stand for. Other men want to follow them.
Some points to think about:
- Having a similar background to your mentor is less important than sharing values. What are these values for you?
- What qualities and characteristics would you like in a mentor? i.e. he's an encourager, a good listener, demanding, gentle, challenging, opens up your horizons, etc.
- Is there a particular area or field of endeavour you'd like mentoring in? What is it? Is it crucial your mentor has certain expertise or knowledge?
- Do you trust him? Does he create a safe learning environment where you can be yourself?
WHAT IS THE ROLE OF A MENTOR?
A mentor's role is to:
- Set appropriate boundaries and expectations for the relationship that maintain both parties' well-being, dignity and safety;
- Appreciate and respect you unconditionally;
- Listen well, ensuring you feel heard and known;
- Empower you to own the mentoring sessions and get what you need from them;
- Ask good questions that make you think;
- See your essence even when you cannot see it yourself;
- Stand for you even when you lose hope;
- Challenge you to face your shadow;
- Encourage you always.
HOW DO I FIND A MENTOR?
Mentoring is not common in our culture, so unless you are very fortunate, you will likely need to seek one out yourself.
Ask people close to you for suggestions, like your father, close friend or your boss. We recommend you don't have these people as a mentor, however, because they have too much invested in your success (usually as they have defined it!).
Suitable mentors likely already know you or your family: a grandparent, uncle, godfather, neighbour, colleague, coach, friend, professor, teacher, club member, father of a friend, etc.
Some men look great on paper as mentors but if they are on the road every week and have triplets under the age of four at home they're unlikely to be available for you, even if they wanted to. So define the qualities you want in a mentor, not the exterior packaging. Make a list, talk to people you trust, ask around. Your mentor must be willing to invest in you.
Many people tell us as soon as they were ready, the right mentor appeared. Just like that.
Once you've identified a potential mentor, ask him straight out. He will be flattered.
Don't be put off, however, if he appears uncertain. You are asking him to engage in something very counter-cultural. He may never have formally mentored anyone and lack confidence in the beginning. You may need to do a little convincing.
If he is unsure of the mechanics of being a mentor, direct him here - www.mensbusiness.net - and ask him to register. He will find all the resources he needs to be a successful mentor!
Ask people close to you for suggestions, like your father, close friend or your boss. We recommend you don't have these people as a mentor, however, because they have too much invested in your success (usually as they have defined it!).
Suitable mentors likely already know you or your family: a grandparent, uncle, godfather, neighbour, colleague, coach, friend, professor, teacher, club member, father of a friend, etc.
Some men look great on paper as mentors but if they are on the road every week and have triplets under the age of four at home they're unlikely to be available for you, even if they wanted to. So define the qualities you want in a mentor, not the exterior packaging. Make a list, talk to people you trust, ask around. Your mentor must be willing to invest in you.
Many people tell us as soon as they were ready, the right mentor appeared. Just like that.
Once you've identified a potential mentor, ask him straight out. He will be flattered.
Don't be put off, however, if he appears uncertain. You are asking him to engage in something very counter-cultural. He may never have formally mentored anyone and lack confidence in the beginning. You may need to do a little convincing.
If he is unsure of the mechanics of being a mentor, direct him here - www.mensbusiness.net - and ask him to register. He will find all the resources he needs to be a successful mentor!
WHAT DOES A GOOD MENTORING RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE?
- You are both clear on the expectations and boundaries of the relationship
- You feel safe and trust your mentor not to do anything manipulative or inappropriate
- You are in charge, not the mentor. You set the agenda for what you want to work on. He is there to facilitate your development
- You feel stretched and challenged in helpful ways
- What do you want out of the sessions? i.e. outcomes, goals, development objectives, feeling different about yourself, behaviour changes, attitude changes, future direction, etc.
- How often will you meet? In our experience once a month for a couple of hours is optimal.
- Where do you meet? We recommend enjoying a flat white with your mentor in a coffee shop or another public place. Some people have to move around a lot so maybe you go for a walk with your mentor.
- How much do you feel comfortable sharing with him? You mentor cannot always be guessing what's going on with you so you need to be open and honest with him. That's why establishing trust and confidentiality up front are crucial.
- Are there things about you mentor needs to know about you? i.e. mental health history, other health concerns, etc.
- Is it OK for both of you to be in contact in between sessions? If so, how often? E-mail or phone?
- How will you both handle punctuality issues or forgetting a session?
- What expectations will you agree to around 'homework' between sessions?
- What if one of you begins to feel uncomfortable in the relationship? How will you address issues that may arise?
- How will you assess progress? What indicators will you refer to in each session?
- How will you know when the relationship has served its purpose? How will you end it with honour and dignity?
WHY DOES MEN'S BUSINESS NOT INCLUDE WOMEN OR YOUNG PEOPLE?
For now Men's Business is focusing on men mentoring other adult men. We believe there is a particular need for this on a large scale in our society.
DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR MENTORING?
Men's Business expects mentoring relationship to be voluntary, with no payment made either way.
Professional mentoring is often available in many workplaces if you ask for it. Also look at our Services page for more information on other mentoring options.
Professional mentoring is often available in many workplaces if you ask for it. Also look at our Services page for more information on other mentoring options.
WHAT IF the mentoring relationship DOesn't GO ACCORDING TO PLAN?
You are responsible for your own well-being, safety and satisfaction in a mentoring relationship. No one else - including Men's Business - can do this for you.
Ideally your mentor is already someone whom you know and trust. One of the first tasks is to establish 'ground rules' and boundaries to ensure the well-being, privacy, dignity and safety of both parties are maintained.
In a healthy mentoring relationship you will sometimes be challenged in ways that may make you feel uncomfortable. You could experience emotions like anger, sadness, blame, guilt or shame. Your mentor's job is not to take these feelings away but to offer understanding and perspective as you work through them.
What is not OK is your mentor doing or saying anything that feels inappropriate, manipulative, inauthentic, unsafe or in pursuit of an agenda you have not agreed to. We recommend you discuss your concerns with your mentor immediately. If you cannot resolve the issue, consider ending the relationship. Your well-being and safety are more important than anything, so take care of yourself.
Ideally your mentor is already someone whom you know and trust. One of the first tasks is to establish 'ground rules' and boundaries to ensure the well-being, privacy, dignity and safety of both parties are maintained.
In a healthy mentoring relationship you will sometimes be challenged in ways that may make you feel uncomfortable. You could experience emotions like anger, sadness, blame, guilt or shame. Your mentor's job is not to take these feelings away but to offer understanding and perspective as you work through them.
What is not OK is your mentor doing or saying anything that feels inappropriate, manipulative, inauthentic, unsafe or in pursuit of an agenda you have not agreed to. We recommend you discuss your concerns with your mentor immediately. If you cannot resolve the issue, consider ending the relationship. Your well-being and safety are more important than anything, so take care of yourself.
SHOULD I CONSIDER BEING A MENTOR MYSELF?
At Men's Business we look forward to the day when it is normal for most men to have mentors at key points in the lives. We know if you have a positive experience with a mentor you will naturally want to 'pay it forward' and mentor someone yourself.
There is no definable time when you will be 'ready'. Someone will simply appear in your life whom you know you can make a contribution to, and you will have the opportunity to say 'yes'. When that happens, please join the Men's Business mentoring community and get the resources you need.
There is no definable time when you will be 'ready'. Someone will simply appear in your life whom you know you can make a contribution to, and you will have the opportunity to say 'yes'. When that happens, please join the Men's Business mentoring community and get the resources you need.
does men's business take any responsibility for the behaviour and competence of mentors?
No. Men's Business does not accept any liability or responsibility for what your mentor does or says, nor for any distress, upset or damage, emotional or otherwise, he may cause. Please see the disclaimer before proceeding with any mentoring relationship.
This website is an unrestricted, on-line platform intended to encourage men to consider becoming mentors and, if they do, receive some basic information on context and good practice.
We do not vet, certify, qualify or offer accreditation, however, to anyone who calls themselves a mentor. You need to be a discerning judge of that.
We recommend you talk to your mentor frankly at the beginning to see if you are both on the same page (see above). We also recommend you both agree on boundaries and expectations, such as where you will meet, who pays for coffee, confidentiality, etc.
If you feel your mentor is being inappropriate in some way please have a frank discussion about it with him, and if this does not stop, don't see him anymore.
This website is an unrestricted, on-line platform intended to encourage men to consider becoming mentors and, if they do, receive some basic information on context and good practice.
We do not vet, certify, qualify or offer accreditation, however, to anyone who calls themselves a mentor. You need to be a discerning judge of that.
We recommend you talk to your mentor frankly at the beginning to see if you are both on the same page (see above). We also recommend you both agree on boundaries and expectations, such as where you will meet, who pays for coffee, confidentiality, etc.
If you feel your mentor is being inappropriate in some way please have a frank discussion about it with him, and if this does not stop, don't see him anymore.
what if my mentor gives me advice?
The purpose of mentoring is not to provide advice on the decisions and choices the mentee may choose to take. Any mentee is encouraged to seek suitable independent professional advice before acting on any information, suggestion or guidance given by a mentor. Similarly, any facilitation or information provided by Men's Business does not represent financial. legal or other professional advice. Please see the disclaimer before going ahead with any mentoring relationship.
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