what if your mentee won't communicate with you?
There are times your mentee may drop out of communication. There are a number of important things to remember:
- Don't take it personally. In his head he might be blaming you for something you did or did not do, but in reality his silence has nothing to do with you.
- You are not there to rescue or save him.
- He has to do the work, not you.
- Maintain your regard and respect for him. You may be the only person standing for him at the time.
- He could be struggling with an overwhelming issue that he feels he cannot talk about.
- He may be embarrassed or angry or distracted. The longer he is out of communication the worse this can become.
- It may be an old pattern in his life for avoiding difficult issues.
what if your mentee is not keeping his promises?
First of all, don't take it personally. It's got nothing to do with you. Also consider if you are being too demanding given his circumstances and history.
Secondly, use this as an opportunity to have a mentoring conversation. You can discuss the impact of breaking promises in a light way that raises the issue but does not make your mentee feel scolded or lectured at.
A good conversational device is to point to an object on the table, away from you both, as 'representing' the broken agreement. It then is no longer personal; the object is neither him nor you. Now you can talk about the matter dispassionately.
Some useful discussion points include:
Secondly, use this as an opportunity to have a mentoring conversation. You can discuss the impact of breaking promises in a light way that raises the issue but does not make your mentee feel scolded or lectured at.
A good conversational device is to point to an object on the table, away from you both, as 'representing' the broken agreement. It then is no longer personal; the object is neither him nor you. Now you can talk about the matter dispassionately.
Some useful discussion points include:
- All of us break our promises sometimes. Share about the impact in your life of failing to keep your word.
- Remember you are not there to change or rescue him. He has to do the work.
- Share how you learned to keep agreements and how that helped your life work.
- Restoring integrity simply involves acknowledging a broken promise and doing whatever is required to clean up the damage caused.
- Dig into the reasons why your mentee finds it hard to keep his word. Maybe he has taken on too much, is under a lot of pressure or is getting distracted.
- Empower him to make a new promise and do what it takes to keep it.
- Be ready for him to fail again. A new habit takes three months to learn.
what if your mentee is really stuck or has lost interest in mentoring?
Don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. Not every mentee is going to win a Nobel Prize! Most guys will have challenges, unresolved issues and things going on in their lives they try to control but cannot. It's possible no one has ever showed them how to work through difficulties well.
If your mentee is really stuck and appears unwilling or unable to move forward, some useful things to consider are:
If your mentee is really stuck and appears unwilling or unable to move forward, some useful things to consider are:
- Your advice, guidance, lecturing and questions are unlikely to be effective.
- You are not there to rescue or change him, or do the work for him.
- Your job as a mentor is to stand for him even when he doesn't stand for himself, and to love him even when he's unlovable. Never give up on the guy no matter what. Remember the great people who kept standing for you during your darkest times.
- All of us have unhealthy patterns we repeat in times of stress, or times we have been stuck. You can share an example from your own life.
- The most useful thing is probably to listen to him and nod your head. It does not mean you agree with him, but simply to validate you've heard and understood.
- Keep thinking how can you hang in there with him for the long haul without being pushy or giving up.
- If he is out of touch, try to maintain contact, like a text once a month letting him know you're thinking about him.
- Sometimes you need to back off completely. You can do this without abandoning him simply by sending a message stating you have high regard for him and will be available when he needs you. The try again in a few months.
- Find a new guy to mentor.
what if your mentee's behaviour becomes inappropriate?
There is a very small chance your mentee could become disrespectful, aggressive or abusive toward you or reveal an agenda for the relationship you never agreed to. Your well-being and safety are of the utmost importance, and you should never put yourself at risk. Discuss your concerns with him openly but if you are still concerned consider ending the relationship immediately, telling him why you are doing so. You may choose to leave the door open for mentoring to continue in future, but be clear on your conditions of satisfaction for doing so.
WHAT IF YOUR MENTEE IS STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL HEALTH OR ADDICTION ISSUES?
There are times we mentors find ourselves in over our heads. If there are mental health or addiction issues, we recommend you urge your mentee to see a mental health or medical practitioner as soon as possible. In many public health jurisdictions, a GP will refer a patient to a psychologist after doing a brief initial assessment, greatly reducing the cost.
In Perth, Western Australia, we recommend Steve Runciman, a highly skilled, clinical psychologist with a lot of experience working with men (08) 9204 1166.
If you have concerns about his or someone else's safety, contact his family or close relatives. It may be necessary to contact the police in extreme situations.
In Perth, Western Australia, we recommend Steve Runciman, a highly skilled, clinical psychologist with a lot of experience working with men (08) 9204 1166.
If you have concerns about his or someone else's safety, contact his family or close relatives. It may be necessary to contact the police in extreme situations.
